Welcome to the newest feature here at The Middle Phinger: Game of Thrones Recaps.
For those of you living under a casterly rock or in a cell at the Citadel with no internet or HBO we are in the homestretch here. Two down, eleven to go. I’ll be here every Monday digesting the episodes with some Dornish wine (it’s apparently the best, but don’t tell Lord Frey that) as I try to figure this blogging thing out. Better late than never as we climb the ladder of chaos to the top.
Episode 7.02 ‘Stormborn’
Hey, at least the Sand Snakes are dead! Episode 2 opens with a stormy night on Dragonstone, with Dany vetting Varys’ true intentions on whether or not he’s gonna screw her (eunuch joke), as the pieces for her takeover are slowly starting to move across the map. For now her squad runs DEEP and she is a force to be fucked with. Allies are being formed and enemies are being destroyed, and with 11 episodes left the Iron Throne is up for grabs. I’ll admit I was underwhelmed with this episode, but this show spoils you with hype. The story needs time to be setup and I’ll accept a slow burn if it pays off in the coming weeks.
Jon Snow keeps getting jobs he doesn’t ask for, and the stress of everything that comes with it. From being shooed in as Lord Commander at Castle Black thanks to his boy Sam it hasn’t been an easy road for him since. But then again neither has his whole life. At Winterfell after receiving two ravens Jon tries to convince his allies that he needs to ride to Dragonstone and meet the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, the Mother of Dragons, the Breaker of Chains, the Queen of Mereen and holy fuck with the titles. Of course he faces revolt and unpopular opinion because what else is new? When Lady Mormont can’t even defend you on this, maybe it really isn’t a good idea. So he packs up Ser Davos and heads South leaving Sansa in charge. Now she shuts up.
Arya meets an old friend, well two old friends on her journey to kill the Queen in King’s Landing. Hopefully Ed Sheeran hasn’t tipped off Cersei yet that an assassin is moving on her. Hot Pie returns still looking like Thurman Merman and can’t wait to gossip about all things Westeros. Arya learns her bastard brother/cousin now rules the North and has taken back their home from those goddamned Boltons and says fuck the Queen I’m going home. Oh and Nymeria finds her in the woods, almost kills her, doesn’t wanna be friends again and peaces out. She’ll be back.
Sam’s becoming quite the bad boy in school these days. Breaking into restricted areas, doing impromptu surgeries in his first semester in between cleaning out bedpans of shit and serving soup, all that’s left for him to do now is start a fight, get detention and bag the prom queen. I thought last week’s montage was gross, this was painful to watch. Poor Jorah just wanted to fuck Dany and live out his days serving her, instead he gets a wicked case of the Greyscale and ends up in a cell getting his skin carved off. We’ll see how that turns out.
Cersei rolls out the propaganda machine and instills some good old terror into the Lords of the South. Depicting the capital being overrun by heathens and rapists, butchering children and burning the city down. A reign of terror is yet to come, so batten down the hatches baby. Jaime tries to get into the good graces of Sam’s daddy Lord Tarly but that’s gonna be harder than a simple request. His name means something. “We’re not oathbreakers, we’re not schemers. We don’t stab our rivals in the back or cut their throats at weddings.” Boom roasted.
In the crypts with Cersei, Qyburn shows off his new toy…..a GIANT CROSSBOW! Maybe he peaked too early after reviving the Mountain into an unstoppable undead killing machine but what a letdown. Are you really gonna have time to load that thing up after every arrow to kill three flying dragons that could burn your city down in minutes? Be more creative for me one time man.
Girl power is in full swing here at Dragonstone as the Ladies of the realm plot a takeover of the throne. Dany, Yara, Ellaria Sand, and Lady Olenna are breaking the glass ceiling and teaming up for war (at least until the end of this episode). Olenna maybe has intentions of her own, as she tries to convince Dany to take the throne with force. “You’re a dragon. Be a dragon.” Maybe she’s right, nobody is handing over the Capital to a siege, and especially with Cersei at the helm going for an all or nothing approach. She’ll go to any length to protect her dynasty, which unless her and the bro start banging again, there won’t be anyone left to carry it on. Tyrion starts making use of his title and plans to sail the Unsullied to take Casterly Rock as to not prove Cersei right by invading with foreigners. Oh and we get to see some hot and steamy eunuch sex between Grey Worm and Missandei!
The Greyjoys, with company, are sailing away on an open course for the virgin sea when things get hot and heavy between Yara and Ellaria. Poor Theon can’t catch a break as his sister keeps getting laid as a “foreign invasion is underway”. Yup thats right. The meanest sleaze of the 14 seas tries to make good on his promise to Cersei by bringing her a gift, which now looks like three gifts as he has the two remaining Sands and possibly Yara as he unleashes a hellstorm upon the Greyjoy fleet and kills everyone in his path. Theon gets PTSD and jumps ship, leaving his sister in the hands of their beloved uncle. End credits.
All in all a better episode after the re-watch, as more pieces are moved into play setting up the war in the North and the war in the South. Next week Euron does his victory lap, Cersei draws first blood, the Unsullied arrive at Casterly Rock, and the meeting we’ve waited years for that probably won’t happen until the last 15 seconds of the show.
Final Episode Grade: B+